bracchium | c o n t a c t

[Bucky furrows his eyebrows at Sam in confusion before a grin begins to crack the corners of his mouth. He remembers going on a double date with Steve. When was it? Before HYDRA, but he remembers a crisp uniform. During the war? The girls wanted to go dancing, but Steve didn't. Bucky can't recall why. Just a salute and a hug and then another gap in his memory. Most of his memories of Steve come like this, in chunks and pieces without context. One day, he'll get them all in a row.

He hopes.

For now, he'll let himself chuckle at Sam's response. Yeah, if they were on a date, Bucky would probably be the one declining to dance these days.]

( Yeah? )

[ Sam grins back at him, shaking his head at himself. Shiro'd told him that he was out of practice at the whole dating thing when they talked about it - but truth is, so is Sam. It's been a long time since he's been on a date where he'd had to try to be on his best charming, flirty behavior. Not as long as Bucky, of course, but - that's not what they're here for.

He takes a long pull from his drink, considering his words. ]

( I always loved barbecues, you know? When I was a kid I'd be underfoot causing havoc, when I got older I'd be the first one there with my own sauce. After I got out of the military - this buddy of mine was throwing a fourth of July thing, and she's an army friend so I figure it'll be okay. No fireworks, and she'll get it if the crowds start being too much. And it's... I'm okay, you know, long as I stand far enough away what's on the grill doesn't smell like charred flesh, and long as I can hang out in the bathroom whenever pretending I'm fine starts getting to me, it's okay. But then her sister, she comes up to make sure I'm okay, and the second I smell her lilac perfume? I spend the next half hour or so throwing up. No damn idea why, but it happened every time I smelled lilac after that.

A few years later, I just started going to the VA, and I see this soldier I knew. He comes over and he's reminiscing, but all I can hear is gunfire and all I can see the way he looked the last time I saw him, more dead than alive. But I'm managing - until his wife comes over, and she's wearing lilac perfume. He tells me he used to carry a vial of it with him and it broke, that smelling it everywhere is the only thing that got him through. Turns out it stuck with us both, just in real different ways.

Point is, sometimes just because we don't remember something doesn't mean it doesn't affect us. We both got triggers we might not know about, and if we stumble on some of yours, we can figure it out. I can ask before I touch you, or telegraph it more obviously. Point is, I spent a while not caring that I wasn't part of the world, and a while pretending like I was, but this? This is real, and that means a lot to me. I hope you know that. ) [ He pauses for a moment, making another face at himself. ] ( Point is I didn't mean to take so long to get to the point. )

[At first, Bucky thinks this story is going to be a funny one, that they'll laugh and go back to drinking, but as Sam continues, he realizes the tone is not what he expected. He gives Sam his full and undivided attention as he listens, breathing slow and even. To him, it makes sense that Sam has triggers, as a civilian who became a soldier and pararescue. Sam saw death on the battlefield, same as Bucky, but in a completely different way. He makes a mental note to never get anything lilac-scented as he nods. Bucky likes talking with Sam about things like this, learning about how he and Sam are similar in how they've come back from their wars. When he first arrived on the Station, he thought he and Sam were in no way alike, but now, he's starting to realize just how similar they are.

He remembers the soup Sam made him, how it reminded him of nutrient slurries in HYDRA, how his appetite went from a growling stomach to numbness in a matter of seconds. And any time someone reaches for his face, how his nerves shriek.

Asking before touching could help calm the instinct to brace himself, especially around his face. He wasn't ever allowed to request such a thing before and since HYDRA the only people who have touched him are those here on the Station and Steve. Even in the quinnjet, with something as simple as a grip of the shoulder had set him bracing for the worst.]

( There's a lot I don't remember. ) [Even beyond triggers, there's still wide swathes of empty space in his mind. He doesn't know everything that might set him off.]

[ He likes talking with Bucky about these kind of things, too. He likes talking with Bucky, period - even when they're fighting - but this is the kind of stuff that not everyone gets. Which is a good thing, as far as Sam's concerned, he wouldn't want most people to understand it. But it does make it a little less lonely, when someone else knows something of what you're going through. ]

( I know. There's a lot that's gonna be coming back up, and some that might never come back. And I know what you're dealing with is a hell of a lot more than anything I have - but I still know, a little. And I'm not going anywhere, no matter what comes up. ) [ He holds his hand up, fingers spread out - a silent offer to take his hand, if Bucky wants. ] ( I'll ask before I touch you, until we figure out what's okay. )

[Bucky sucks in a breath at the thought of those spaces in his head, at how much might come out of the dark when they least expect it, what danger might lurk just out of sight, what HYDRA might have hidden. The thought of going back to sleep rises alongside the fear, of closing his eyes until he can trust his own mind. It would be easier than asking Sam to wear kid gloves around him, but his broodmate has already leapt headfirst into that idea.

Biting his lip, he closes the distance between their hands and threads their fingers together. Their brood bond hums in approval despite Bucky's unease. He doesn't want this to change, their back and forth, their conversations and arguments.]

[ It sounds like an awful idea, honestly. Selfish, maybe - definitely - but Sam doesn't know what he'd do without Bucky here. He'd much rather them figure this out together, keep going as they have.

Sam huffs out a chuckle as he squeezes Bucky's hand, thumb stroking over the back of his knuckles. ]

( It's not gonna change. Trust me, sunshine, there's nothing in the world that'll ever stop me from putting feathers in your hair and hiding glitter in your clothes whenever I feel like. Someone's gotta be here to sass the hell out of your dumb ass and argue about shit with you. ) [ He shrugs one shoulder. ] ( It's just about learning preferences. You like hot dogs and mojitos and you hate soup and don't like your face touched without warning. I like steak and wine and I hate lilac and can't sleep without someone I trust there. )

[At Sam's response, a touch of quiet relief eases the bite of the worry building under his skin. He doesn't know what he would do without Sam here either, how he would deal with the noise and the, well, everything. Not to mention the times Sam has put himself between the Soldier and innocents or how they're able to sit in a bar right now without the threat of the Soldier randomly springing forth.

The last few words of Sam's reply catch on something, though, and Bucky furrows his brow again. In the pet shop, Sam didn't seem to have many issues sleeping in the studio while Bucky was there. On the Station, Sam had mentioned a hanger he'd set up shop in with Clint, but in the pet shop it was just him and Bucky.]

[ Relief echoes back across their connection, warm and light. Sam likes this thing they've got going, where they can bicker and argue and tease each other but also sit here like this, talking about things that matter. It's not just because Bucky's so much in his head that it feels empty without him that Sam wants him around.

He quirks a little smile when he picks up on where Bucky's thoughts are going, shooting him a look. ]

( I'm pretty sure the conclusion from that is obvious, man. )

[The conclusion might be easy to see for Sam, but Bucky takes his time in arriving. Sam trusts him. Somehow, despite their difference in strength and size and past, despite everything. He remembers how tangled up they were the morning after the robbery, Sam curled into him. Or how he woke up in the hotel, fingers threaded tight together.

Sam trusts him.

He blinks at Sam, unbelieving. Of course, he trusts Sam but, to have that trust reciprocated seems impossible to him.]

[ Sam waits, absently drinking some more while he feels more than watches Bucky process that. ]

( You want me to tell you why? )

[ It's half teasing, but mostly, he means it. They've got a... complicated history, and he doubts it's easy for Bucky to see himself as someone worth trusting. ]

[Bucky honestly has no idea why Sam would trust him, not even the start of an idea. They've been through a lot since arriving on the Station, but nothing about his behavior seems to stand out as particularly trustworthy and he can't imagine Sam trusting him back home either.

So, Bucky nods, still unsure of what Sam might say.]

( It's not just since we came here, you know, I wouldn't have had you sit behind me if I wasn't willing to try trusting you at least a little. )

[ And he didn't get a knife in the back, which might be low standards as far as trusting someone goes, but that was about where he was at with Bucky then. ]

( You had my back when we were fighting the spider guy, and you didn't have to. You let me in since we've been here, and you didn't have to do that either. When I gave you the coin - you brought me a new one, man, you know how many people would've picked up that I used it a lot and maybe still needed one? I know the lengths you're willing to go to keep me safe; just because I don't like them and I don't agree with them doesn't mean I haven't noticed and appreciated the thought behind it. Yeah, the Soldier's a part of you even though it's not who you are anymore, but we know what makes it come out, and we know how to stop it. You and me, we're stronger together. And it's- )

[ He cuts off, running a hand over his jaw and focusing briefly on their joined hands. ]

( Instinct. I know you'd never hurt me if you could help it. Your reflexes are good, your senses are awesome. After the Raft, I - well, I don't feel like I gotta stay awake to listen to footsteps when I'm with you. )

[As a fellow soldier, Bucky knows how much trust it takes to turn your back to someone, to leave your six open for attack. And Sam had done that a handful of hours after Bucky threw him across a room by his face. He remembers that car, how his knees pressed into Sam's seat, how he felt so out of place when they arrived at the airport so he kept the car between himself and the others. And yet Sam trusted him, somehow, then and the fight after--- a fight that got Sam sent to prison.

Bucky doesn't like thinking about that last part.

When Sam focuses on their hands, Bucky follows and grounds himself in the coarse palms pressed against his own. They do make a pretty decent team, not only back then but here on the Station as well. If Bucky had his choice, he'd pick Sam for his team any day, even when they're fighting. The last thing he wants is to hurt Sam, so Sam isn't wrong about that point.

Trusting himself to not hurt Sam is a different story, despite their new knowledge into the source of the Soldier's multiple appearances on the Station.

Bucky nods, heart in his throat. It's a lot to unpack, including his own feelings. Sam trusts him enough to sleep soundly at night, knowing that Bucky would wake him if he heard anything. That's a whole hell of a lot.]

[ Honestly, Sam doesn't like thinking about it, either. There's not very many people here that even know - pretty much just Bucky and Clint, although Steve's gotten flashes of it. It was Sam's call, and he'd make the same one again under the circumstances. But that doesn't mean what happened in the Raft doesn't get to him sometimes, that he doesn't hate what it means that he ended up in prison.

They've already had the argument about how none of that is Bucky's fault, though, even if Sam's not sure it actually stuck in there. He'll bring it up again later, maybe, but not right now.

He's dropped enough of his problems on Bucky for one night. Hell, he's dropped enough period, he knows all of that is gonna be a lot to unpack.

Sam loosens his grip a little, shifting his hand back just enough that though their fingers are still laced together, he can run his thumb over Bucky's palm, tracing the lines in his skin. ]

( So yeah, I trust you. And I trust that you're gonna appreciate the pitcher of mojitos I ordered for you. )

[Bucky dwells on the weight of Sam's trust in him, perhaps a bit too much. He doesn't consider himself worthy, even if there is a practical element to trust a super soldier with excellent hearing. But when Sam shifts their hands, Bucky snaps back to the present. He blinks for a moment before a smile begins to take over his face again. A whole pitcher.]

( Yeah, I do, )

[No sooner has he thought it than the bartender makes its way over, pitcher and glasses in tow. It's quite a generous pitcher, too, much larger than Bucky anticipated. All for them.]

[ Trust can be a scary thing, really, especially for someone who doesn't think they deserve anything good. Maybe he should have waited a little before making his trust in Bucky clear - but he doesn't like hiding things from Bucky, and it's not like Bucky wouldn't have figured it out anyway, with how much they're in each other's heads.

He backs off it for now, giving Bucky's hand a small squeeze at that smile. Then he lets go so he can pour them both a glass from the pitcher, even though he's not quite done with his yet. He shoots a teasing grin at Bucky. ]

( Better grab one now, before you drink it all like my last cocktail. )

[When Sam lets go, Bucky makes sure to keep his knee in contact with his broodmates, allowing the symbiote to continue to hum in the back of his mind. Bucky himself chuckles at Sam's response, a grin taking up a more solid place on his lips. Yeah you better watch out or he'll steal the whole pitcher for himself.]

( So how do I challenge you? ) [He digs into his pocket for the challenge coin before he starts into his drink. ]

[ The continued contact sets Sam at ease almost as much as the the alcohol, and he leans in a little until their shoulders and arms brush together. Honestly, he wouldn't mind if Bucky drank the whole pitcher himself, but it's so much more fun to tease him about it.

Sam chuckles as he pulls out the coin Bucky'd given him, twisting it between his fingers while he holds it up. ]

( Flash it like this, but you gotta catch me when I'm without it. Which is pretty much just in the shower and when I'm in bed, so you might be outta luck for a while, sunshine. If you challenge me while I've got it, you're the one that owes me a drink. )

[Bucky hadn't expected Sam to keep his replacement challenge coin, in all honesty. Sure, he values Sam's coin extremely highly, but for some reason he didn't think it would be the same for Sam. Part of him actually thought that Sam would throw the coin away. To see it again and to hear that Sam carries it with him is strangely touching.

Just as his throat begins to clam up he brushes off the emotions prickling his eyes.]

( How about I don't steal your drink. )

[ Sam can't help swallowing roughly against the echo of emotion he can feel welling up in his throat, and he turns the coin over in his fingers again. He values Bucky's coin just as much - but he doesn't have to say anything for that to be clear. And they've had probably more than enough of this kind of emotional stuff for the day, so Sam lets it go when Bucky brushes it off.

For now. ]

( You sure as hell better not when you got a whole pitcher for yourself. I mean, assuming you can handle it all. )

[ Because what better way to steer the topic away from how much they mean to each other than by teasing the hell out of him for no reason? ]

[Bucky smirks at Sam's response, quietly grateful that Sam allows him to side-step the emotions prickling at his eyes. Jibbing and teasing is something he can handle, especially in comparison to listening too hard to the thrumming of his heart. The pitcher in question arrives with two glasses and Bucky finishes his current drink before pouring a new glass.

The pleasant humming in in his veins returns as he sips on his new beverage.]

( You saying I can't? )

[ As good as it is to feel Bucky feeling things, there's such a thing as too much, and Sam gets that. Besides, this thing between them - it's not really tentative anymore, not by a longshot, but Sam still doesn't know what to call it. He could use a break from the heavier emotions.

He hums thoughtfully as he pretends to consider that, then shoots Bucky a little smirk, eyes warm and playful. ]

( Kinda sounds like I am, doesn't it? )

[Sam's smirk sends another wave of pleasant buzzing through Bucky's veins and he doesn't know what to call it. With the alcohol humming alongside, he decides to go with the feeling instead of tucking it away.]

( Sounds like a challenge. )

[ Good, that's what they should call it. And there ain't enough good in their lives, far as Sam's concerned, so he's more than happy to go along with it as well. ]

( I look like the kind of guy who'd go and make a challenge like that? ) [ Yes, Sam. Yes you do. ] ( What're you gonna do with it? )

[Why yes you do Sam. Bucky looks Sam in the eye for a long moment before draining a full glass of mojito. ~~God bless those super-soldier lungs~~. When he finishes, though, a hiccup slips out of his lips and half a chuckle follows. Okay, not the best idea around.]

желание I know you are the answer, but I forgot the question.	печь There will always be a lie in believe.
один Whatever is static is dead.	рассвет The world is too quiet.

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I SOMEHOW DIDN'T SEE THIS holy crap i'm sorry

it's ok!

<3

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