Entry tags:
c o n t a c t
желание I know you are the answer, but I forgot the question. | печь There will always be a lie in believe. |
один Whatever is static is dead. | рассвет The world is too quiet. |
желание I know you are the answer, but I forgot the question. | печь There will always be a lie in believe. |
один Whatever is static is dead. | рассвет The world is too quiet. |
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( Think they'll let us? )
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He doesn't say anything about the faint hint of refusal. It's not like he expects Bucky to just get over it, and he'd rather not draw attention to it. Not when Bucky's trying, when he's already come such a long way.
Sam grins as their second round of drinks comes, shooting Bucky a sly look. ]
( I don't think I'll ask. We can do it anyway. )
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When their drinks clink down on the table between them, Bucky's has a little umbrella in it, which sparks an idea.]
( You ever go camping before? )
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( Couple of times when I was a kid, some when I got back from overseas and couldn't deal with another night of a bed that was too soft and a room that was claustrophobic. ) [ Which is the kind of thing he only admits to people he trusts, to soldiers who know what it's like, but Bucky's both. He doesn't hesitate.
He pulls his drink towards him, a wordless hum across their mental link that's both question and encouragement to go on. ]
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( Don't remember doing it before... ) [Before HYDRA, he doesn't need to say.] ( Did it after. For the first few months. )
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It'd always helped knowing that he wasn't alone. ]
( I still think about it sometimes, when things get to be too much. You think it might help if you tried it when it gets overwhelming? ) [ He pauses, just for a moment. ] ( You think you might mind some company if you do? )
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( Hadn't thought about it. ) [Both the camping and having company. Usually, he finds he must be alone, for the danger he poses to others.]
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It does't really matter, anyway, seeing as he believes in them both more than enough to think it'd come to that.
He understands the need for freedom, though, and he hums thoughtfully. ]
( Will you think about it now? )
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He can't promise he won't listen to his instinct to run.
What he can promise, though, is that he'll try. Maybe after the fact--- after running when he realizes he's done it--- but he will try. That much he owes Sam. If Sam wants it, Bucky will give it a shot, even if Bucky thinks it's a bad idea. Flashes of the strobing lights in Berlin streak across his mind, his fingers curled about Sam's jaw. And again in DC, kicking Sam out into open air with only one wing. He's not safe.]
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The feeling of security sleeping next to him. He bumps Bucky’s knee slightly with his own. ]
( That's only a piece of who you are. Me? I'm here for the whole package. Even the parts you ain't opened yet. ) [ Sam takes a gulp of his drink. ] ( I won’t ask you to do more than try. I'll try, too, to give you space when you need it and to apologize when I make mistakes. )
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He looks down at his drink, running his fingers over the embossed ripples in the glass. Once again, he finds himself at odds with Sam's confidence that Bucky has more good parts of him tucked away somewhere in the dark.]
( Didn't think you made mistakes. )
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Until maybe one day Bucky believes him when Sam says he's worth the effort, maybe he'll actually be comfortable with having someone who cares.
But he doesn't push the issue now, picking up on what Bucky chose to comment on with ease. ]
( Course it's rare, but yeah. Yeah I do. ) [ He loses the cocky smile, going a little rueful. ] ( I mostly got my shit together, you know, but I worked on it for a long time. I still got days when all I see is everything I should've done different. )
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He takes a swig of his drink before shifting a few inches closer to Sam so their knees touch. The contact brings a comforting hum to his senses and for now he lets that feeling grow.]
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And then Bucky actually initiates contact, and the smile that lights up Sam's face is... probably a little bit silly, really. The ease shifts, warms, echoes across their connection, and Sam knocks back a long drink before he looks back over at Bucky. ]
( Which one do you like the best so far? )
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Tapping the side of his glass, Bucky answers,] ( This one. )
[It's bright and refreshing without overloading on sweetness or the burn.]
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Right now Sam keeps the contact, and reaches up absently to tuck a stray strand of Bucky's hair behind his ear. ]
( Maybe next time we'll go somewhere with a beach, knock back a couple of these with our toes in the sand and watch the sunset. ) [ He sounds almost wistful, even as he catches the bartender's eyes and gestures them over. ] ( I'll settle for a pitcher and a couple of hot dogs right now. )
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The thought of a beach helps to distract from the momentary panic. He remembers he went once with Steve and rode in the back of a freezer truck on the way back, but he can't remember the sensation of sand between his toes or the smell of the ocean.]
( It comes in a pitcher? )
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It's nice, though, imagining them on a beach. Sam can't remember the last time he went to one for fun. He opens his mouth to reply to that question, very nearly shooting off the first response he thinks of, before he catches himself and shakes his head. ]
( If this was a date, here's where I'd tell you something dumb like "it does when you're with me" and try to impress you, or at least make you laugh. ) [ He shoots Bucky a little grin, quick and playful and just a little bit flirty before it settles into something softer. ] ( I still wanna make you laugh, but since this is you and me - why don't I tell you something real? )
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He hopes.
For now, he'll let himself chuckle at Sam's response. Yeah, if they were on a date, Bucky would probably be the one declining to dance these days.]
( Yeah? )
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He takes a long pull from his drink, considering his words. ]
( I always loved barbecues, you know? When I was a kid I'd be underfoot causing havoc, when I got older I'd be the first one there with my own sauce. After I got out of the military - this buddy of mine was throwing a fourth of July thing, and she's an army friend so I figure it'll be okay. No fireworks, and she'll get it if the crowds start being too much. And it's... I'm okay, you know, long as I stand far enough away what's on the grill doesn't smell like charred flesh, and long as I can hang out in the bathroom whenever pretending I'm fine starts getting to me, it's okay. But then her sister, she comes up to make sure I'm okay, and the second I smell her lilac perfume? I spend the next half hour or so throwing up. No damn idea why, but it happened every time I smelled lilac after that.
A few years later, I just started going to the VA, and I see this soldier I knew. He comes over and he's reminiscing, but all I can hear is gunfire and all I can see the way he looked the last time I saw him, more dead than alive. But I'm managing - until his wife comes over, and she's wearing lilac perfume. He tells me he used to carry a vial of it with him and it broke, that smelling it everywhere is the only thing that got him through. Turns out it stuck with us both, just in real different ways.
Point is, sometimes just because we don't remember something doesn't mean it doesn't affect us. We both got triggers we might not know about, and if we stumble on some of yours, we can figure it out. I can ask before I touch you, or telegraph it more obviously. Point is, I spent a while not caring that I wasn't part of the world, and a while pretending like I was, but this? This is real, and that means a lot to me. I hope you know that. ) [ He pauses for a moment, making another face at himself. ] ( Point is I didn't mean to take so long to get to the point. )
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He remembers the soup Sam made him, how it reminded him of nutrient slurries in HYDRA, how his appetite went from a growling stomach to numbness in a matter of seconds. And any time someone reaches for his face, how his nerves shriek.
Asking before touching could help calm the instinct to brace himself, especially around his face. He wasn't ever allowed to request such a thing before and since HYDRA the only people who have touched him are those here on the Station and Steve. Even in the quinnjet, with something as simple as a grip of the shoulder had set him bracing for the worst.]
( There's a lot I don't remember. ) [Even beyond triggers, there's still wide swathes of empty space in his mind. He doesn't know everything that might set him off.]
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( I know. There's a lot that's gonna be coming back up, and some that might never come back. And I know what you're dealing with is a hell of a lot more than anything I have - but I still know, a little. And I'm not going anywhere, no matter what comes up. ) [ He holds his hand up, fingers spread out - a silent offer to take his hand, if Bucky wants. ] ( I'll ask before I touch you, until we figure out what's okay. )
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Biting his lip, he closes the distance between their hands and threads their fingers together. Their brood bond hums in approval despite Bucky's unease. He doesn't want this to change, their back and forth, their conversations and arguments.]
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Sam huffs out a chuckle as he squeezes Bucky's hand, thumb stroking over the back of his knuckles. ]
( It's not gonna change. Trust me, sunshine, there's nothing in the world that'll ever stop me from putting feathers in your hair and hiding glitter in your clothes whenever I feel like. Someone's gotta be here to sass the hell out of your dumb ass and argue about shit with you. ) [ He shrugs one shoulder. ] ( It's just about learning preferences. You like hot dogs and mojitos and you hate soup and don't like your face touched without warning. I like steak and wine and I hate lilac and can't sleep without someone I trust there. )
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The last few words of Sam's reply catch on something, though, and Bucky furrows his brow again. In the pet shop, Sam didn't seem to have many issues sleeping in the studio while Bucky was there. On the Station, Sam had mentioned a hanger he'd set up shop in with Clint, but in the pet shop it was just him and Bucky.]
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I SOMEHOW DIDN'T SEE THIS holy crap i'm sorry
it's ok!
<3
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