bracchium: (b)
ᴛʜᴇ ᴡɪɴᴛᴇʀ sᴏʟᴅɪᴇʀ ([personal profile] bracchium) wrote2016-05-08 06:13 pm
Entry tags:

c o n t a c t









желание
I know you are the answer, but I forgot the question.



печь
There will always be a lie in believe.



один
Whatever is static is dead.



рассвет
The world is too quiet.















sizeofyourbaggage: (getting kicked out of a meeting)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-09 11:45 pm (UTC)(link)
[ It probably wasn't right, really, the hot dogs didn't taste all that great. But Sam didn't care back then. He does now, of course, and not just because Shiro seems to destroy any microwave he touches trying to cook.

He doesn't say anything about the faint hint of refusal. It's not like he expects Bucky to just get over it, and he'd rather not draw attention to it. Not when Bucky's trying, when he's already come such a long way.

Sam grins as their second round of drinks comes, shooting Bucky a sly look. ]


( I don't think I'll ask. We can do it anyway. )
sizeofyourbaggage: (what're you thinking now)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-10 12:10 am (UTC)(link)
[ Not for long. Sam's gonna teach Bucky how to cook when they're back on the Station, he's already decided. He'll trade it for lessons in the probably way to heat up hot dogs. ]

( Couple of times when I was a kid, some when I got back from overseas and couldn't deal with another night of a bed that was too soft and a room that was claustrophobic. ) [ Which is the kind of thing he only admits to people he trusts, to soldiers who know what it's like, but Bucky's both. He doesn't hesitate.

He pulls his drink towards him, a wordless hum across their mental link that's both question and encouragement to go on. ]
sizeofyourbaggage: (all right good point)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-10 01:10 am (UTC)(link)
[ Sam lifts his glass up in a silent gesture that's somewhere between acknowledgement and toast. Yeah, he gets that. He's said it a hundred or more times before, working at the VA, but they all got the same problems, to one degree or another.

It'd always helped knowing that he wasn't alone. ]


( I still think about it sometimes, when things get to be too much. You think it might help if you tried it when it gets overwhelming? ) [ He pauses, just for a moment. ] ( You think you might mind some company if you do? )
sizeofyourbaggage: (if you eat that sort of thing)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-10 04:10 am (UTC)(link)
[ Bucky's not a danger to Sam, not like that. To others, maybe, but they know what causes it now and they know how to stop it, and Sam's not afraid for himself around Bucky. Never has been, maybe because he also won't hesitate to do what he has to in order to keep himself alive. For obvious reasons, in the past, but now also because he won't be the one to put something like that on Bucky's conscience.

It does't really matter, anyway, seeing as he believes in them both more than enough to think it'd come to that.

He understands the need for freedom, though, and he hums thoughtfully. ]


( Will you think about it now? )
sizeofyourbaggage: (hmmm)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-10 11:20 pm (UTC)(link)
[ He doesn't protest the flashes of memories he gets. Bucky’s not safe when he's like that, he isn't going to deny that. But snippets of his own memories drift across, the small feeling of satisfaction when he told Bucky he wouldn't move his seat up, seeing him in the rear view mirror with a smirk that matched the one on Sam's face, Bucky’s hand warm in his with the challenge coin between them, the rush of frustrated adrenaline of their arguments in the Station, Bucky’s hair sliding through his fingers, his smile at watching the little birds hopping around, the determination in Bucky's mind when they fight the programming.

The feeling of security sleeping next to him. He bumps Bucky’s knee slightly with his own. ]


( That's only a piece of who you are. Me? I'm here for the whole package. Even the parts you ain't opened yet. ) [ Sam takes a gulp of his drink. ] ( I won’t ask you to do more than try. I'll try, too, to give you space when you need it and to apologize when I make mistakes. )
sizeofyourbaggage: (thinking)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-11 02:02 am (UTC)(link)
[ It's not something Sam expects they'll see eye to eye on for a while. But Sam's not going anywhere, long as he has any say about it, and he'll keep trying. That's all he's asked of Bucky, and that's what he'll give in return.

Until maybe one day Bucky believes him when Sam says he's worth the effort, maybe he'll actually be comfortable with having someone who cares.

But he doesn't push the issue now, picking up on what Bucky chose to comment on with ease. ]


( Course it's rare, but yeah. Yeah I do. ) [ He loses the cocky smile, going a little rueful. ] ( I mostly got my shit together, you know, but I worked on it for a long time. I still got days when all I see is everything I should've done different. )
sizeofyourbaggage: (laugh look down)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-13 02:48 am (UTC)(link)
[ Sam's quiet for a moment, enjoying the easy companionship. It's not exactly the best topic, but... it's reality. It's why Sam's always felt the most comfortable in the company of other soldiers, of other people who get it.

And then Bucky actually initiates contact, and the smile that lights up Sam's face is... probably a little bit silly, really. The ease shifts, warms, echoes across their connection, and Sam knocks back a long drink before he looks back over at Bucky. ]


( Which one do you like the best so far? )
sizeofyourbaggage: (all right I dig it)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-14 07:49 am (UTC)(link)
[ He's allowed to now. It's gonna be slow going, Sam knows, even though as far as he's concerned Bucky's more than welcome to any kind of contact he wants - but it's a start, and right now, it's more than enough.

Right now Sam keeps the contact, and reaches up absently to tuck a stray strand of Bucky's hair behind his ear. ]


( Maybe next time we'll go somewhere with a beach, knock back a couple of these with our toes in the sand and watch the sunset. ) [ He sounds almost wistful, even as he catches the bartender's eyes and gestures them over. ] ( I'll settle for a pitcher and a couple of hot dogs right now. )
sizeofyourbaggage: (hey there)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-15 08:19 am (UTC)(link)
[ He feels that spike of nervousness, faintly, and it's only after he's brushed Bucky's hair away that he connects it. Shit, of course sudden movements towards Bucky's face would make him nervous, would make him expect something else. He doesn't pull away, doesn't ask about it - at least not at the moment, not before he can figure out how.

It's nice, though, imagining them on a beach. Sam can't remember the last time he went to one for fun. He opens his mouth to reply to that question, very nearly shooting off the first response he thinks of, before he catches himself and shakes his head. ]


( If this was a date, here's where I'd tell you something dumb like "it does when you're with me" and try to impress you, or at least make you laugh. ) [ He shoots Bucky a little grin, quick and playful and just a little bit flirty before it settles into something softer. ] ( I still wanna make you laugh, but since this is you and me - why don't I tell you something real? )
sizeofyourbaggage: (hmmm)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-17 11:49 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Sam grins back at him, shaking his head at himself. Shiro'd told him that he was out of practice at the whole dating thing when they talked about it - but truth is, so is Sam. It's been a long time since he's been on a date where he'd had to try to be on his best charming, flirty behavior. Not as long as Bucky, of course, but - that's not what they're here for.

He takes a long pull from his drink, considering his words. ]


( I always loved barbecues, you know? When I was a kid I'd be underfoot causing havoc, when I got older I'd be the first one there with my own sauce. After I got out of the military - this buddy of mine was throwing a fourth of July thing, and she's an army friend so I figure it'll be okay. No fireworks, and she'll get it if the crowds start being too much. And it's... I'm okay, you know, long as I stand far enough away what's on the grill doesn't smell like charred flesh, and long as I can hang out in the bathroom whenever pretending I'm fine starts getting to me, it's okay. But then her sister, she comes up to make sure I'm okay, and the second I smell her lilac perfume? I spend the next half hour or so throwing up. No damn idea why, but it happened every time I smelled lilac after that.

A few years later, I just started going to the VA, and I see this soldier I knew. He comes over and he's reminiscing, but all I can hear is gunfire and all I can see the way he looked the last time I saw him, more dead than alive. But I'm managing - until his wife comes over, and she's wearing lilac perfume. He tells me he used to carry a vial of it with him and it broke, that smelling it everywhere is the only thing that got him through. Turns out it stuck with us both, just in real different ways.

Point is, sometimes just because we don't remember something doesn't mean it doesn't affect us. We both got triggers we might not know about, and if we stumble on some of yours, we can figure it out. I can ask before I touch you, or telegraph it more obviously. Point is, I spent a while not caring that I wasn't part of the world, and a while pretending like I was, but this? This is real, and that means a lot to me. I hope you know that.
) [ He pauses for a moment, making another face at himself. ] ( Point is I didn't mean to take so long to get to the point. )
sizeofyourbaggage: (what're you thinking now)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-18 12:54 am (UTC)(link)
[ He likes talking with Bucky about these kind of things, too. He likes talking with Bucky, period - even when they're fighting - but this is the kind of stuff that not everyone gets. Which is a good thing, as far as Sam's concerned, he wouldn't want most people to understand it. But it does make it a little less lonely, when someone else knows something of what you're going through. ]

( I know. There's a lot that's gonna be coming back up, and some that might never come back. And I know what you're dealing with is a hell of a lot more than anything I have - but I still know, a little. And I'm not going anywhere, no matter what comes up. ) [ He holds his hand up, fingers spread out - a silent offer to take his hand, if Bucky wants. ] ( I'll ask before I touch you, until we figure out what's okay. )
sizeofyourbaggage: (all right good point)

[personal profile] sizeofyourbaggage 2017-05-18 01:36 am (UTC)(link)
[ It sounds like an awful idea, honestly. Selfish, maybe - definitely - but Sam doesn't know what he'd do without Bucky here. He'd much rather them figure this out together, keep going as they have.

Sam huffs out a chuckle as he squeezes Bucky's hand, thumb stroking over the back of his knuckles. ]


( It's not gonna change. Trust me, sunshine, there's nothing in the world that'll ever stop me from putting feathers in your hair and hiding glitter in your clothes whenever I feel like. Someone's gotta be here to sass the hell out of your dumb ass and argue about shit with you. ) [ He shrugs one shoulder. ] ( It's just about learning preferences. You like hot dogs and mojitos and you hate soup and don't like your face touched without warning. I like steak and wine and I hate lilac and can't sleep without someone I trust there. )

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