bracchium | c o n t a c t

[ The pain cuts across Sam's mind, and he lets his symbiote ability go anyway, feels it webbing out across their connection and through Bucky's symbiote, searching for anything it can heal. Whether or not it finds anything, it's a struggle to hold it back with this much pain, and he wants to focus all he's got on Bucky.

He breathes, focuses on the way his stomach rises and falls with every breath, and tangles his fingers in Bucky's hair again. ]

( Breathe, Bucky. They can't take you, you're safe here. Just focus with me. )

[ The programming burns in Bucky's mind, and Sam can see it even as he tries to shield him from it - and it's not exactly a conscious decision when his wings melt, holding only the vaguest shape of feathers as they rush over it, as the warm breeze that usually accompanies Sam's mental link chills to try to combat it. ]

[His fingers dig into the coin, trying to re-route his mind, but the programming is burning hot like a brand. The usual chill of his mind is instead molten hot, the snow and ice now knee-deep brine bordering on boiling water. He tries to breathe, but his tongue sits thick and heavy in his mouth. He's not supposed to be able to say no and this is why.

The conditioning makes him want to be frozen, the disobedient Soldier gets locked up.]

[ When Sam first got here, he - well, he probably wouldn't even have gone this far in Bucky's mind, but here would probably be where he stopped. He'd have probably just hunkered down here and tried to provide what support he could while they rode it out, ask Bucky questions about it later.

But now he focuses on their brood bond and pulls. The programming runs deep, and by himself Sam could never hope to fight it for Bucky - but their symbiotes are a part of them, with a vested interest in making sure they survive, making sure their bond is strong. It's instinct, more than anything else, when his calls to Bucky's. When he weaves it tight around both of them, and opens his mind up completely to try to pull Bucky in. To give him an escape, to get around it indirectly instead of fighting it head on.

Come here. ]

[Bucky doesn't expect the pull on his mind. He blinks up at Sam in confusion before shutting his eyes to focus on the back path created the last time they dove this deep into each other. It springs up out of the deluge and he follows it away from the rapidly-boiling brine. The symbiote is pretty happy to facilitate as well and Bucky shifts to step out of his mind. It's a good idea, to wait out the programming's burn instead of fighting it head-on. He's coming.]

[ There's a wordless murmur of encouragement as he feels Bucky slipping back along their brood bond, and Sam falls back with him, wings out to cover them. It's something he learned as a pararescueman first, battling the demons of his mind and others second - there's always another route, when trying to overtake it head on fails.

His shields lower completely, letting Bucky sink in as deep as he wants to, back into the vibrancy of Sam's mind. It hasn't changed, since the last time they did this, except now there's a quiet, faint sense of familiarity about having Bucky there. ]

( Hey, sunshine. You with me? )

[The once frigid tundra of Bucky's mind has begun to boil over just in time for Sam to cover them. Sinking into the bond and venturing deeper into Sam's mind allows the heat to grow distant, like a warm oven. Sam's mind is, as always, stunning, a wash of brilliant hues and Bucky can't help but bask for a moment before settling further. He can feel the warmth of his body ocer the bond, still burning away, but at this distance, it's far less suffocating and inescapable.

Bucky keeps to himself in his own way in Sam's mind, if such a thing is possible, not wanting to enjoy the comfort too much.]

( Yeah. )

[ That's one for Team Bucky, as far as Sam's concerned. Maybe they can't face the programming head on, not yet, but there's ways around it, ways they can still fight it. But he can feel the way Bucky still tries to hold back, to keep himself from being comforted too much, and Sam doesn't hesitate before reaching out to give it to him anyway, to hold him close mentally as well as physically.

Maybe it isn't fair to try to make Bucky listen to this now, but Bucky's in his head. Bucky needs to hear this, Sam needs to say it, and even if he's already planning on saying it again and again until it sticks - there's no better time for Bucky to be able to feel Sam's conviction, to get a sense of just how true it is. ]

( What happened to you isn't okay, Bucky. You didn't deserve any of it, no matter what terrible things you've done when you were under someone else's heel, and you don't deserve this. You made your opinion known, man, you set a boundary and that's something you should be proud of, not punished for. ) [ He rests his forehead against Bucky's, at the same time as there's a mental sensation like feathers brushing over his cheeks. ]

( You were a prisoner of war, a weapon, but you're still a person. You can't tell me you haven't suffered, so damn much, and I ain't stupid enough to believe you don't got more to go through. I wish you wouldn't add to it. )

[Bucky shudders in Sam's embrace, whether from the feverish burn coursing through his body or the weight of Sam's words, he's not sure but at this proximity, both mental and physical, there's nowhere left to run. His heart continues to thrum in his throat at a lightning pace, perhaps a little faster now. He disagrees, as he always does, but he's also deeply hesitant to do so directly, not while he can still feel the effects of his last effort. So, he lets Sam embrace him, mentally and physically, even as the usual questions rise. How does anyone know he's Bucky to begin with? How does anyone know he's worth all this trouble? He can't deserve this, not after everything, after Berlin, after the robbery.

He isn't hurting himself now, by running, by rationing his food and hiding like a rat. ]

( I know, Bucky. I know. I've been inside your mind, man, I've seen who you were and who you are and I'm starting to see who you're gonna be. You're worth every minute of it and more. )

[ If anyone knows the answers to those questions, Sam's pretty sure at this point he can safely say it's him. He'd never planned on going that deep inside Bucky's head, or having him this much in his own, but he can't say he regrets it.

He can't say he wouldn’t do it again, that he isn't going to do it again. ]

( You are a person. You deserve to be treated like one. And you don't have to do this alone, not when we're so much stronger together. )

[Sam says it--- thinks it--- with such surety that there's honestly little room to doubt. He does still doubt, still question, but that's an innate part of who he is, same as his desire to not kill others. The Soldier has already taken so many and Steve seems to believe it's possible to live without killing, still does despite being a foot or so shorter and a good hundred pounds lighter.

There's a lot of people who think differently than Sam, but somehow Sam is still the arbiter in his fate here on the Station, the barrier separating the Soldier from the innocent minds tangled up in theirs.

He wishes he could do this all alone, no matter how foolish that hope is.]

[ Sam doesn't have any doubts, not about this. But he knows Bucky does - that he probably always will, to some degree or another. It's part of what makes him him, really. If living without killing is what Bucky wants... well, Sam's never seemed to manage it, but he's willing to try to figure something out for Bucky.

But that's a conversation for later, for when they're not sitting in a giant refrigeration unit. ]

( I'm your friend, sunshine, this isn't a one-way street. I know you'd be there if I needed you; you've had my back before. ) [ More than Bucky knows, really. Sam's used the coin Bucky gave him more than once, and it helps in part because it was a gesture from a friend. From Bucky. ] ( Do you really wanna do this alone, or is it just because you don't feel like you deserve the support and you don't wanna hurt anyone by being around them? )

[ He's not sure if Bucky can actually answer that, at least not in words - even if they're mental ones - but their connection is strong enough that Sam figures he can get an answer somehow, anyway. ]

[Bucky doesn't quite understand Sam's confidence in him, how he knows Bucky would have his back. Of course, Bucky would be there for Sam in heartbeat, regardless of any sense of obligation. He'd do whatever it takes, really, to keep Sam safe, which brings the second question into effect.

While his answer is due more to the latter- that he doesn't deserve the support and he doesn't want to hurt anyone- he does have some quiet desire for the former. He used to work on his own and lived by himself in Bucharest for two years, so being surrounded by people is a constant assault on his senses, mental links aside.]

[ It's... not something Sam can put into words, really. An instinct, maybe, helped by little pieces he can point to like the way they fought together physically or the way they've grounded each other mentally and emotionally, and fueled by the connection between them. ]

( I'll try to be better, about picking up on when you really do need space and giving it to you. )

[ He knows that it's hard for Bucky to actually ask for it, and Sam... he can do that, he can figure out how to make it so Bucky can get that time alone without feeling like he needs to run all the time. Somehow. The rest of that, well. They're back into what Bucky deserves and whether or not Sam should feel safe around him. This isn't the place to go into it. ]

( Come on, all right, let's get somewhere safer than the middle of a store to wait this out. )

[Once again, Bucky feels that he doesn't deserve the extra effort on Sam's part. In HYDRA, he was given space merely because of convenience and after because Bucky didn't want to be found while he sorted through the remains of his head. On the Station, Concordia, and now the Waypoint, he feels selfish for wanting the distance, while also believing it the best course after another episode of the Soldier, such as now.

When Sam mentions leaving the refrigeration unit, Bucky instinctively digs in his mental heels. He doesn't want to go back to the sweltering heat of his own mind or leave the chill of the refrigeration when the programming continues to burn away. A moment later, though, he realizes how selfish that instinct is and he starts to withdraw, first mentally.]

[ Sam's gonna give it to him, anyway. It's the opposite, as far as Sam's concerned - it's not selfish for Bucky to want that kind of space, after everything he's been through, and that's why Sam'll do it. Not because he thinks it's for the best after what'd happened.

When he feels Bucky start to withdraw mentally, Sam's kneejerk reaction is to reach out to stop him, the mental impression of fingers laced together and a tug to pull him back. ]

( Stay here? There's a hotel room close by, we can get to it together. )

[ Or if they can't - then Sam'll wait it out here. He won't send Bucky back to his own mind when the programming is still intent on causing him pain. On making him suffer for anything, let alone for having an opinion and saying no, which are things that Bucky sure as hell should do.

He doesn't hide any of that from Bucky, as he moves to try to stand and pull Bucky up with him, at the same time as he tries to keep Bucky more in Sam's mind than his own. Sam'd... mostly managed it, when he'd stayed in Bucky's head while fighting the Soldier, but if they can't do both, Sam knows which one he'll pick. ]

[When he's pulled back, Bucky is filled with a rush of gratitude. He didn't want to go back. Not now, not until the programming starts cooling down again. A hotel room will certainly allow them more privacy than a walk-in liquor cooler. From the distance, feeling his body move and shift pulls at his mind with a gravity of a sinking ship. While it's not impossible to stay rooted with Sam, it does grow more difficult. His feet are under him and Bucky slides more into his mind, despite his efforts to remain in Sam.

He remembers this sensation: his feet and hands held in boiling water. Of course, this sort of conditioning didn't happen as often as others, considering the difficulty of heating water in a pit in Siberia, but the few times it did stick in his mind. Phantom pain sears up his left arm, where fingers should be but no longer exist. ]

[ Sam hesitates when he feels Bucky slip back, when he gets the bleed over from the rush of pain. He stops moving, one arm wrapped tight around Bucky's waist, and he opens their connection wider to beckon Bucky back in.

They could push through it, probably, withstand the pain for long enough to get somewhere they're not likely to be interrupted or kicked out of. But it's not worth it to Sam. Bucky's been through more than enough pain in his life, and if there's something Sam can do to stop it, he'll do it every time. ]

( You okay if I carry you there? )

( 's fine. )

[His words slip through the link clumsily, without the confidence and surety to reinforce them. He does his best to anchor himself in Sam, to stay rooted in the cool breezes and cobalt waters, but every step he takes focuses him more on his body and the press of the hot irons in his mind. More pain follows the first wave, remembered bursts of heat that burn through his body, through limbs that don't exist anymore. He can deal with it, he thinks. It's not like he hasn't done so before.]

( Like hell it's fine. I've carried heavier than you, man, I got this. I don't care if you've handled it before, you don't gotta handle it now. )

[ Despite his words, though, Sam is hesitant to manhandle Bucky around like that without his permission. He settles for focusing on their connection, grabbing hold of his bond with Bucky and pulling as hard as he can. Everywhere Bucky tries to anchor himself down, Sam reinforces it, pulling him deeper and curling his wings protectively around him. ]

[Bucky doesn't argue, can't argue at this point with the programming burning white under his skin. This is another one of those times where he's used to doing things alone so he expects to do so again. He's already trying to put one foot in front of the other while Sam's rooting him deeper into his mind. Bucky's doing all he can, digging in deep, but at this point the easiest thing for him is to simply move and deal with it for however long until they find the hotel. Or, Sam, really, because Bucky is already starting to check out from the combination of the overheating and being spread between two minds.

Opening his eyes is a task all on its own, frost sticking his eyelashes together, and that alone is nearly enough to send him reeling. How many times did he wake up like this?]

[ Without thinking about it, Sam stops in front of Bucky and reaches out, thumb sweeping gently under Bucky's eyes and across his eyelashes to try to melt some of the frost. ]

( You're not alone, sunshine. Come on, I got you. Stay in here with me. )

[ Sam's just going to. Drape Bucky's arm over his shoulder, crouch down a little and try to haul him up into essentially a piggy back ride. ]

[When Sam moves in front of him, Bucky expects to be hit. He's not entirely sure why, until thumbs are brushing over the frost on his eyelashes. Once he's hoisted onto Sam's back, Bucky's beyond resisting. Sam feels cool in comparison and the invitation to rejoin Sam in his mind is met with enthusiasm. He crosses through the link again, with noted ease now that he doesn't have to focus on walking and mental efforts. Almost immediately, the sensation of being practically boiled alive grows more distant.

He's not light, especially not in the two years since HYDRA. Not having to live off rations and nutrient paste, unless self-imposed, has put a lot more meat on his bones.]

[ Sam's pretty damn sure why, but that's not a place he really wants to go. Gotta focus on the here and now, and now he's got Bucky on his back and settled in his mind. He'll take it.

Even if Bucky's ass is heavy. He's carried Steve before, sure, lots of times - but gravity's different in the air, and the one time Sam had to actually fight it and carry Steve, it wasn't for very long. Sam's pretty sure he can attribute the fact that he can manage it okay to the symbiote's physical enhancements rather than his rescue training.

He takes a moment to make sure his grip is secure - thanks to his symbiote ability, he's had a little better luck keeping the cold off, but his teeth are still chattering and he can barely feel his fingers - and then he sets off. He's gotta skirt the edges of the crowds as best as he can instead of shouldering his way through, and he's real damn grateful the hotel room is close by.

It's not too long before he's shifting to scan the lock open and kick the door in. He nudges it shut behind him and makes a beeline for the couch, planning on setting Bucky down on it. ]

[Bucky doesn't make any effort to object, isn't in the right headspace to refuse as he's hoisted onto Sam's back. It's easier to keep rooted in Sam's mind with the contact, as well as not needing to focus on walking. People jostle him from time to time, jostle Sam more like, but it's still less jolting than when he tried to walk on his own. Once more, the heat ravaging his body is distant like the sunset, something he doesn't have to surrender himself to.

Soon enough, though, Sam is moving him on purpose, shifting him and then his back is down against something soft. However, Bucky lurches up to keep physical contact with his broodmate, tangling his fingers in Sam's.]

[ There's a tight curl of affection when Bucky grabs his hand, mixed in with a little protectiveness and something like gratitude. He doesn't wanna lose physical contact with Bucky right now, either. Sam squeezes Bucky's hand, easing himself down so he can sit on the floor and lean up against the couch. His arm's propped up on the cushion so he can keep hold of Bucky's hand, and he pillows his head on his shoulder as he reaches out with his other hand to stroke through Bucky's hair. ]

( I'm not going anywhere, sunshine. Stay here as long as you want, all right, try to get some rest if you can? )

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bracchium - 2017-04-17 02:53 (UTC) - Expand

желание I know you are the answer, but I forgot the question.	печь There will always be a lie in believe.
один Whatever is static is dead.	рассвет The world is too quiet.